I got home, and surely, she was right. She was gone. I looked around the house, it’s like half of it was gone, it was half empty. There was barely a trace of her left. I went to the kitchen and saw a piece of paper on the table.
Mike, I thought about it, and I think it’s time we went our separate ways. We both know we’ll kill each other before we can be happy. You know I love you, and I’m sorry.
The anger build up inside me and I grabbed the empty vase on the counter and threw it across the room, listening as every piece shattered to the ground. I almost punched a hole through the wall.
All I could was go into the washroom and splash cold water on my face. I just looked in the mirror and sighed. What did I do?
The anger fired up again and all I could do was throw my fist at the mirror, smashing it to pieces. I’ve underestimated my strength.
I didn’t like to admit my feelings out loud. That’s probably what ultimately pushed her away in the first place. Right now, I was angry, sad, frustrated, and heartbroken. It hurt. She’s threatened to leave before, and never did. I never thought about the day where she might actually go through with it.
I grabbed my keys, full of passion, intensity and anger and drove myself to the rink. I didn’t care what time of day it was, this was the only thing that would calm me down.
I slipped on my skates and grabbed my stick. The place seemed so cold and empty without fans screaming and chanting. I grabbed a bucket of pucks and started shooting them at the net. With every shot, it seemed like I was hitting the puck harder and harder, until I heard a crack.
“Fuck” I mumbled under my breath as I looked at the glass behind the net.
“You’ve got quite a shot tonight” I heard a voice behind me. I turned around to see Jeff.
“Yah well, I guess anger can do that”
“Julie?” he asked.
“She left, she’s gone” I replied shooting another puck.
“Sorry to hear that” he replied.
“Yah…”
“This is how you plan to resolve the problem?” he asked skating onto the ice.
“What are you doing here tonight anyways?” I asked, avoiding the subject.
“Don’t change the subject”
“Coming here was my first instinct”
“It wasn’t to go after her?”
“Of course I thought about that!” I snapped, “But we’ve got a Stanley Cup to win, I can’t just up and leave for her”
“Dude, maybe that’s the reason she left”
“What?”
“You let hockey get in the way” he replied, “You put hockey before her”
I just sighed and shot another puck, “There’s not much I can do now”
“I’m not going to say another word” he replied slipping a puck away and shooting it, “this is your battle”
The truth is, I never thought about going after her. Which makes me seem even worse. Hockey has always been my life, and when she came into mine, I thought she’d understand that, but it just ended up being a wedge between us. It pushed her away, this is my fault. She deserves better.
I had to go after her, after the finals are over I will do everything in my power to get her back. I don’t care what it takes.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
four - i'm leaving you
Mike, I thought about it, and I think it’s time we went our separate ways. We both know we’ll kill each other before we can be happy. You know I love you, and I’m sorry.
My heart sank as I set the piece of paper on the table. It hurt beyond belief, but I couldn’t let my feelings get in the way again. This is best for both of us, we’ll just end up hurting each other beyond repair if we keep at this.
“Are you coming?” I heard my best friend’s voice.
“Yah Mike, just one minute”
Cammy, the best friend I’ve ever had. He knew everything that was going on with Mike. I knew he would gladly let me stay with him and Jen. So I called him, and he was in Philly the next morning.
I felt a hand on my back and I nearly jumped out of my skin, “Sorry, but we need to go”
“Yah…okay”
As the car pulled away, I could feel my heart breaking. Mike just glanced at me and sighed, “Jules, I know it hurts, but you know this is best”
“I know Mike, I just don’t want to hear it right now”
The rest of the ride was quiet. The plane ride was quick. The ride to Mike’s, was quiet again. My head hurt, I just couldn’t stop thinking about him.
I froze the moment I stepped in the doorway of Mike’s apartment. I couldn’t do this.
“This was a bad idea” I said.
“Julie…it’s okay” he replied reaching for my hand, “You’re going to be fine”
“But what if he--or what if--but--maybe he’ll--” I couldn’t even come up with a sentence.
“Jules” he said, “You need to come in”
“She okay?” Jen asked coming from the other room.
“Fine” I heard Mike say, “She just needs rest”
“No!” I exclaimed pulling my arm from his grasp, “I need Mike”
I ended up locking myself in the extra bedroom they had. Neither of them tried to fight me, they just left me alone, as it should be. I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket and immediately saw his picture and my eyes start to well up with tears.
“Mike?”
“Hey baby”
“Hi…” I did all I could to mask the fact that I was crying.
“You okay? You don’t sound like yourself”
“I’m fine” I replied, “Just not feeling good”
“I miss you” he simply said. By then I couldn’t help it, I just started sobbing.
“Jules…what’s the matter?”
“I left” I said amidst the tears, “I’m gone”
“What?”
“I went with Mike, I’m with him and Jen, until I get back on my feet”
“Julie! Why the hell--I thought we fixed this! I thought we were going to talk!” his voice started to get louder.
“I’m sorry, I’m tired of the fighting. We’ll end up hurting each other badly one of these days, and I can’t live with that”
“You know you make it way too difficult to love you sometimes!”
“Likewise!” I snapped back, “It hurts to love you, you know that?”
“You know what? Fine, if this is what you really want, then we’re done. There’s nothing more” I heard him hang up the phone and my heart officially snapped in half. Everything hurt.
“Jules…” I heard on the other side of the door, it was Jen.
“What?”
“Are you okay?”
“Do I sound okay!?” I replied, “I just lost him, for good”
“I’m sorry”
“Just leave me alone, please”
Still in full clothing, I tucked myself under the covers of the bed and shut off the lamp. Tears soaked the pillow, until the point where I couldn’t breathe anymore. He is really gone.
I now regret doing everything. I regret writing that letter, leaving, and coming here. I regret it all. I don’t care how much it hurt being with him sometimes, it hurt more without him.
My heart sank as I set the piece of paper on the table. It hurt beyond belief, but I couldn’t let my feelings get in the way again. This is best for both of us, we’ll just end up hurting each other beyond repair if we keep at this.
“Are you coming?” I heard my best friend’s voice.
“Yah Mike, just one minute”
Cammy, the best friend I’ve ever had. He knew everything that was going on with Mike. I knew he would gladly let me stay with him and Jen. So I called him, and he was in Philly the next morning.
I felt a hand on my back and I nearly jumped out of my skin, “Sorry, but we need to go”
“Yah…okay”
As the car pulled away, I could feel my heart breaking. Mike just glanced at me and sighed, “Jules, I know it hurts, but you know this is best”
“I know Mike, I just don’t want to hear it right now”
The rest of the ride was quiet. The plane ride was quick. The ride to Mike’s, was quiet again. My head hurt, I just couldn’t stop thinking about him.
I froze the moment I stepped in the doorway of Mike’s apartment. I couldn’t do this.
“This was a bad idea” I said.
“Julie…it’s okay” he replied reaching for my hand, “You’re going to be fine”
“But what if he--or what if--but--maybe he’ll--” I couldn’t even come up with a sentence.
“Jules” he said, “You need to come in”
“She okay?” Jen asked coming from the other room.
“Fine” I heard Mike say, “She just needs rest”
“No!” I exclaimed pulling my arm from his grasp, “I need Mike”
I ended up locking myself in the extra bedroom they had. Neither of them tried to fight me, they just left me alone, as it should be. I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket and immediately saw his picture and my eyes start to well up with tears.
“Mike?”
“Hey baby”
“Hi…” I did all I could to mask the fact that I was crying.
“You okay? You don’t sound like yourself”
“I’m fine” I replied, “Just not feeling good”
“I miss you” he simply said. By then I couldn’t help it, I just started sobbing.
“Jules…what’s the matter?”
“I left” I said amidst the tears, “I’m gone”
“What?”
“I went with Mike, I’m with him and Jen, until I get back on my feet”
“Julie! Why the hell--I thought we fixed this! I thought we were going to talk!” his voice started to get louder.
“I’m sorry, I’m tired of the fighting. We’ll end up hurting each other badly one of these days, and I can’t live with that”
“You know you make it way too difficult to love you sometimes!”
“Likewise!” I snapped back, “It hurts to love you, you know that?”
“You know what? Fine, if this is what you really want, then we’re done. There’s nothing more” I heard him hang up the phone and my heart officially snapped in half. Everything hurt.
“Jules…” I heard on the other side of the door, it was Jen.
“What?”
“Are you okay?”
“Do I sound okay!?” I replied, “I just lost him, for good”
“I’m sorry”
“Just leave me alone, please”
Still in full clothing, I tucked myself under the covers of the bed and shut off the lamp. Tears soaked the pillow, until the point where I couldn’t breathe anymore. He is really gone.
I now regret doing everything. I regret writing that letter, leaving, and coming here. I regret it all. I don’t care how much it hurt being with him sometimes, it hurt more without him.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
three - they say it's best to go your separate ways
I sat on the front step of the house, watching the sky get darker and darker, waiting to hear his footsteps come up the walk. I was mad at him, yes, fed up, yes, annoyed, yes, but I still loved him.
Finally, as it was almost pitch black, he came back, in his game day suit. He was holding something behind his back. He kneeled down to my level and held out a little stuffed bear, and then a single daisy in his other hand. I took them both from his hand. He knew all the little things, he knew what got to me.
I just stared at him and then down at the bear, he made his way back into the house and I sat there, holding the bear my chest as tears streamed down my cheek. The common sense tells me I don’t need him, but the other side loves him, too much for my own good.
I stood up and walked back into the house, placing the bear on the kitchen table. I walked into the living room and saw him sitting on the couch. I watched for a moment, as I leaned against the doorframe, it was a moment before he realized I was there.
“Hi…”
“I’m sorry” I replied.
“I’m sorry too…I was stupid”
“You know I love you Mike”
“I love you too…”
“Why do we have to almost kill each other to realize it?” I sighed.
“I don’t know…”
“Well…I think right now is a good time to maybe just take a break. You’ve got your Stanley Cup to win, and when you’re back, we’ll talk”
“If that’s what you want”
“If you want this to work, you’ll want it to”
He just sighed, “Alright then”
“How’d the game go?” I asked, “I can’t say I watched”
“We won, 5-3” he replied.
“You tied it…I’m happy for you” I smiled.
“Thanks”
The rest of the night was quiet. He was leaving tomorrow for game 5, in Chicago. I didn’t know what was going to happen after he got back, I didn’t know if I’d even be here when he got back.
It was 8am, my eyes slowly opened and I felt someone next to me. I turned over and there he was, as if nothing even happened last night. I stood up trying not to wake him, but was unsuccessful.
“Morning”
“Hi” I simply replied as I threw on a pair of shorts.
“Sorry, I could have slept on the couch…”
“No, it’s fine, it’s a little late for that now” I walked out into the kitchen and pulled a can of coffee out of the cupboard.
I heard him come out of the bedroom and stop in the kitchen. He was staring at me, I could feel his eyes burning through me. I simply turned around and looked back at him. Even though at the moment we were not together.
“You don’t have to make it awkward” he said.
“I’m not” I snapped, “I’m talking to you, aren’t I?”
“You act like nothing happened”
“Shouldn’t we?” I replied, “Shouldn’t we forget it happened at all?”
“It’s a little hard”
“Either way, we need time away from each other”
“We’ve been together for less than a month”
“And how much of that month did we spend apart?”
He was silent.
“Not a whole lot” I replied, “we’ve constantly been together, and I think we need a break”
“Fine then”
“Fine”
I turned back around and finished making the pot of coffee, as I heard him go back into the room to get his things ready to leave. I didn’t show it, but everything inside hurt. Everything was telling me to just apologize and let it be, but I wasn’t giving in that easily.
I watched him open the door and turn around to look at me. Neither of us said a word. He was only gone for a couple days, but a lot can happen in a couple days. He just sighed and shut the door behind him. I couldn’t not say anything. I ran to the door and opened it standing on the front porch.
“Mike!”
He turned around and stared for a minute, “Yah?”
“Good luck”
He just smirked and nodded, “Bye Jules”
“Bye”
Finally, as it was almost pitch black, he came back, in his game day suit. He was holding something behind his back. He kneeled down to my level and held out a little stuffed bear, and then a single daisy in his other hand. I took them both from his hand. He knew all the little things, he knew what got to me.
I just stared at him and then down at the bear, he made his way back into the house and I sat there, holding the bear my chest as tears streamed down my cheek. The common sense tells me I don’t need him, but the other side loves him, too much for my own good.
I stood up and walked back into the house, placing the bear on the kitchen table. I walked into the living room and saw him sitting on the couch. I watched for a moment, as I leaned against the doorframe, it was a moment before he realized I was there.
“Hi…”
“I’m sorry” I replied.
“I’m sorry too…I was stupid”
“You know I love you Mike”
“I love you too…”
“Why do we have to almost kill each other to realize it?” I sighed.
“I don’t know…”
“Well…I think right now is a good time to maybe just take a break. You’ve got your Stanley Cup to win, and when you’re back, we’ll talk”
“If that’s what you want”
“If you want this to work, you’ll want it to”
He just sighed, “Alright then”
“How’d the game go?” I asked, “I can’t say I watched”
“We won, 5-3” he replied.
“You tied it…I’m happy for you” I smiled.
“Thanks”
The rest of the night was quiet. He was leaving tomorrow for game 5, in Chicago. I didn’t know what was going to happen after he got back, I didn’t know if I’d even be here when he got back.
It was 8am, my eyes slowly opened and I felt someone next to me. I turned over and there he was, as if nothing even happened last night. I stood up trying not to wake him, but was unsuccessful.
“Morning”
“Hi” I simply replied as I threw on a pair of shorts.
“Sorry, I could have slept on the couch…”
“No, it’s fine, it’s a little late for that now” I walked out into the kitchen and pulled a can of coffee out of the cupboard.
I heard him come out of the bedroom and stop in the kitchen. He was staring at me, I could feel his eyes burning through me. I simply turned around and looked back at him. Even though at the moment we were not together.
“You don’t have to make it awkward” he said.
“I’m not” I snapped, “I’m talking to you, aren’t I?”
“You act like nothing happened”
“Shouldn’t we?” I replied, “Shouldn’t we forget it happened at all?”
“It’s a little hard”
“Either way, we need time away from each other”
“We’ve been together for less than a month”
“And how much of that month did we spend apart?”
He was silent.
“Not a whole lot” I replied, “we’ve constantly been together, and I think we need a break”
“Fine then”
“Fine”
I turned back around and finished making the pot of coffee, as I heard him go back into the room to get his things ready to leave. I didn’t show it, but everything inside hurt. Everything was telling me to just apologize and let it be, but I wasn’t giving in that easily.
I watched him open the door and turn around to look at me. Neither of us said a word. He was only gone for a couple days, but a lot can happen in a couple days. He just sighed and shut the door behind him. I couldn’t not say anything. I ran to the door and opened it standing on the front porch.
“Mike!”
He turned around and stared for a minute, “Yah?”
“Good luck”
He just smirked and nodded, “Bye Jules”
“Bye”
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
two - we're running right back, here we go again
June 4th, 2010
I sat on the couch as I saw him come into the apartment. I just smiled and turned my attention back to the paper I was writing. He leaned down across the couch and gently kissed me.
“What was that for?” I smirked.
“I missed you” he shrugged.
“You were only gone for a few hours”
I caught a glimpse of his arm as he pulled away from me, and grabbed it before it was out of reach.
Mike, call me, followed by a number. I looked down at it for a moment and back at him.
“You bastard”
“Julie, I--”
“Don’t try and talk your way out of this one” I snapped, “This time I’m done”
He grabbed my arm, swung me around and threw me up against the wall, “You’re not going anywhere”
“You’re going to make me stay?”
“You don’t want to leave” he whispered.
I pushed him off of me and went into the bedroom and he followed. I grabbed a bag from the closet and started throwing clothes into it.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“I’m leaving you, plain and simple”
He grabbed me, threw me down on the bed and pinned me down, “You’re not going anywhere”
I struggled with him, but it was no use, he was too strong for me.
“I hate you”
“No you don’t”
“Yes I do, I fucking hate you” I snapped.
“Prove it”
All I did was lift my head up and spit in his face. That just made it worse and he slapped me across the face.
“You’re a pig and you’re pathetic!” I just threw all my strength into him and pushed him off of me.
“Fuck this” he replied.
“You know something Mike? You remember when we met? You remember what we were like? I didn’t even know what hit me when I met you, but I liked it. After two weeks we were already in each other’s faces. Now it hasn’t even been two months and were already physically ready to kill each other. I don’t know if I can do this anymore”
I made my way into the living room and sat on the couch. I heard him follow and sit beside me.
“You know I’m going to be gone the next few days?” he said.
“What’s your point?”
“I don’t want you hating me, I don’t want to have to think about that during this game”
“If that’s all you really care about right now, maybe it’s best you just go now”
“Julie, I--” I felt his hand on my back and I jumped up immediately.
“Don’t touch me! You had another woman’s number on your arm, and you expect me to just forgive and forget? I don’t fucking trust you anymore, I don’t even know if I did in the first place. Just go play your fucking hockey and win your damn Stanley Cup because it’s obviously more important than me”
I walked back into the bedroom and shut the door behind me, locking it in the process. I heard his fist bang on it for a few minutes, but I never answered.
I heard my phone on the bedside table and answered it before looking at who it was.
“Hello?”
“Jules?”
“Mike…how’s the offseason treating you?”
“Good, have you been crying?”
“A little”
“Mike again?”
“I’ll be fine, it’ll blow over, it always does”
“Julie, I’m worried about you” he sighed, “You need to end this”
“Don’t start that again Mike”
“Julie…”
“I can’t…”
I just hung up the phone and slowly stood up and opened the door.
“Who was that?” he asked.
“You know who it was” I snapped.
“You give me shit for this” he said pointing at his arm, “and you still talk to him, cry to him--”
“He’s my best friend!” I said shoving him, “I told you that when we met, you’ve known that”
He shoved me back and I slapped him across the face. He grabbed my wrist and threw me up against the wall with all his might. He went to punch me but almost punched through the wall instead.
“Like I said, you’re pathetic” I replied pushing him away from me.
I stood on the other side of the room and I could feel his eyes on me. I stared out the window at nothing. I heard him come up behind me and place his hand on my back, I didn’t jump, I just slowly moved away from him.
“I need some air” he said quietly.
“Fine”
I sat on the couch as I saw him come into the apartment. I just smiled and turned my attention back to the paper I was writing. He leaned down across the couch and gently kissed me.
“What was that for?” I smirked.
“I missed you” he shrugged.
“You were only gone for a few hours”
I caught a glimpse of his arm as he pulled away from me, and grabbed it before it was out of reach.
Mike, call me, followed by a number. I looked down at it for a moment and back at him.
“You bastard”
“Julie, I--”
“Don’t try and talk your way out of this one” I snapped, “This time I’m done”
He grabbed my arm, swung me around and threw me up against the wall, “You’re not going anywhere”
“You’re going to make me stay?”
“You don’t want to leave” he whispered.
I pushed him off of me and went into the bedroom and he followed. I grabbed a bag from the closet and started throwing clothes into it.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“I’m leaving you, plain and simple”
He grabbed me, threw me down on the bed and pinned me down, “You’re not going anywhere”
I struggled with him, but it was no use, he was too strong for me.
“I hate you”
“No you don’t”
“Yes I do, I fucking hate you” I snapped.
“Prove it”
All I did was lift my head up and spit in his face. That just made it worse and he slapped me across the face.
“You’re a pig and you’re pathetic!” I just threw all my strength into him and pushed him off of me.
“Fuck this” he replied.
“You know something Mike? You remember when we met? You remember what we were like? I didn’t even know what hit me when I met you, but I liked it. After two weeks we were already in each other’s faces. Now it hasn’t even been two months and were already physically ready to kill each other. I don’t know if I can do this anymore”
I made my way into the living room and sat on the couch. I heard him follow and sit beside me.
“You know I’m going to be gone the next few days?” he said.
“What’s your point?”
“I don’t want you hating me, I don’t want to have to think about that during this game”
“If that’s all you really care about right now, maybe it’s best you just go now”
“Julie, I--” I felt his hand on my back and I jumped up immediately.
“Don’t touch me! You had another woman’s number on your arm, and you expect me to just forgive and forget? I don’t fucking trust you anymore, I don’t even know if I did in the first place. Just go play your fucking hockey and win your damn Stanley Cup because it’s obviously more important than me”
I walked back into the bedroom and shut the door behind me, locking it in the process. I heard his fist bang on it for a few minutes, but I never answered.
I heard my phone on the bedside table and answered it before looking at who it was.
“Hello?”
“Jules?”
“Mike…how’s the offseason treating you?”
“Good, have you been crying?”
“A little”
“Mike again?”
“I’ll be fine, it’ll blow over, it always does”
“Julie, I’m worried about you” he sighed, “You need to end this”
“Don’t start that again Mike”
“Julie…”
“I can’t…”
I just hung up the phone and slowly stood up and opened the door.
“Who was that?” he asked.
“You know who it was” I snapped.
“You give me shit for this” he said pointing at his arm, “and you still talk to him, cry to him--”
“He’s my best friend!” I said shoving him, “I told you that when we met, you’ve known that”
He shoved me back and I slapped him across the face. He grabbed my wrist and threw me up against the wall with all his might. He went to punch me but almost punched through the wall instead.
“Like I said, you’re pathetic” I replied pushing him away from me.
I stood on the other side of the room and I could feel his eyes on me. I stared out the window at nothing. I heard him come up behind me and place his hand on my back, I didn’t jump, I just slowly moved away from him.
“I need some air” he said quietly.
“Fine”
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